Welcome aboard the web-schooner Yachtless.com!

I am Captain No Beard, the commanding officer of this informative vessel. Yachtless.com is an oversized web-sailboat headed for all the nicest places in the world of sailing. (Well, I guess 'nicest' will depend on your appetite for rough seas, bad weather, hard work and establishments of questionable repute.)

I would like to take a moment to encourage you to lend the crew a hand in the running of the ship. Don't just snigger or complain if the crew can't manage to do everything just right. Jump in and contribute, because if the crew cannot sail this boat, none of us are going anywhere anyway, aren't we?

Allow me now to introduce your crew:

• Dinghy Dan is my firstmate. He will be taking charge in most areas of commanding the ship because, frankly, I know nothing about sailing. At least you will be able to rest assured that the Captain is, as a matter of record, better en-DOW-ed than Dan.

• Navigator Nic is the man charged with the responsibility of getting us wherever it is we were supposed to be going. Navigator Nic has navigated the whole of Africa, armed only with a rusty nail. He assured me that, as long as he can see a hill or two, he couldn't possibly get lost.

  No one else wanted to give him a chance, but I believe in Nic the navigator. And all you folks are lucky enough to go along on this, his first voyage at sea!

• Gadget Garry is our very own ship's geek. He is in charge of all those blinking lights and stuff on the bridge. I have full trust in his ability to waste lots of time and chunks of slush fund in his pursuit for the 'next big thing'.

• Rigger Morty is our master ship rigger with the unfortunate name. Riggs are Morty's life. He will not hesitate to sneek a peek at the setup on the guy-next-door. He'll even try to get some pictures, but some sailors may be a little shy.

• Racing Stacy is our fast-and-wet racing girl. Stacy is quick to start and quick to finish, but she sticks to the rules. So, if it has zip and goes in the water, she will have a go and tell us all about it.

• Edward Windward is the guy who will be keeping his eyes open in the sun, wind and rain. Edward will inform us of every aspect of the weather.

• Boy Seaman is our sailor-in-training. I will be keeping a close eye on his training and progress; just to make sure he doesn't get to know too much.

• Galley O'Malley is the ship's cook and master of the Galley. In his sparkling marine kitchen, Wally will produce delicious titbits for all the nice folk onboard, and green gruel for those others who deserve it.

• The last crewperson on my list is Oilskin Olga. Olga is an experienced online model from Yugoslavia who will be giving us tips on the do's and don'ts of sailing gear. Her motto is: If you're going to leave the mansion to go sail, you might as well look good while doing so.

  I totally agree with this sentiment, but have asked Olga to make a special effort to find some affordable apparel for those of us who have not been as successful in the field of online modelling. (I still don't understand why www.showittothecaptainandhellshouwyouhis.com did not take off.)

And now that we have come to the bitter end of the introductions, I guess there isn't much more for me to say, except: